Without You
by everybreatheverymove
Summary: It's April's rehearsal dinner, but the only thing she wants is the man that won't let himself love her back. Set sometime after 9x24.


**The title is taken from the Ingrid Michaelson song _Without You_ that played during the exploding bus scene in Grey's. It's just so good and I keep imagining April screaming every time I hear it. I feel like I had to write this to hold me over until season 10 starts and we find out what really happened between them. Anyway, enjoy!**

* * *

_"You're getting married."_

The words still sting.

It's been three weeks but she's still not accepted the look on his face when she told him that she wanted him, that she wanted to be with _him_.

Maybe it's the rejection, something she's never been great at handling, or maybe it's just that his lack of response caused her heart to break and shatter into a million pieces.

She deserves it, she sometimes thinks. It's got to be karma, right? Do something bad and the universe works to return to the favour? She repeatedly hurt his feelings, she now realizes, so karma's come back around to settle the deal and hurt her in turn.

She sometimes thinks she deserves it; the pain and knowing that he couldn't answer her, that he couldn't give her a single reason. It's probably her own fault that he couldn't reply. He'd just escaped death and she'd basically attacked him, tried to force him to out his feelings.

Maybe he just wasn't ready. Maybe he wasn't sure how he felt anymore. Maybe she'd waited too long and he had truly moved on.

Or, maybe he'd just never had real feelings for her in the first place.

The words still sting.

And it's only because he was right.

He'd been right to remind her of her pending nuptials, of her engagement to another man. But she wants to hit him, to yell at him, for reminding her and for sending her back into the arms of a cute and perfect paramedic who would never hurt her.

"April?" She spins around on her heel and smiles over at her mother.

The older woman stands in the doorway, admiring her daughter's reflection in the full-length mirror. The red hair suits her well, she notes to herself, watching the way her daughter pulls it up slightly into a loose pony-tail.

"Are you okay, sweetheart?" She can't help but notice the un-enthusiastic and saddened look on April's face.

April bites her lip for a moment and casts her attention onto the ring on her wedding finger. It's so shiny, and sparkly, and it's what she'd always wanted and pictured as a child. Her mother steps forward, resting a hand on her daughter's shoulder and pulling her into a tight hug.

The younger Kepner cries into her chest, her arms wrapping around her waist like when she was a child. She softly shivers from the cold and her mother pulls her tighter.

"Hey, it's okay. You're okay." Karen ushers, gently stroking her daughter's hair. "What's the matter?"

April slowly pulls back and wipes the bridge of her nose and shakes her head. She shrugs with an all-too-false smile plastered across her face, "It's nothing. Really, it's-" She doesn't want to talk about it, she doesn't want to bring her own mother into this mess because she probably wouldn't understand. "It's nothing." She tries her best to sound sure of herself, of her own words but she doesn't succeed so she continues, "He's perfect for me, isn't he?"

Karen doesn't miss the desperation in her voice, doesn't miss the way April sounds like she needs reassuring. She figures she just needs time, that maybe it's just nerves. But her gut feeling is telling her that something's wrong with this wedding. So, she doesn't say or do anything, because that'll only make things worse, she finds.

"Yes, he is." It feels forced but it's all the reassurance April needs to clear her head and wipe away her tears. Karen straightens out her daughter's hair and readjusts her dress, making sure that she looks presentable. "You ready to head back out there?"

"Yeah." She takes a deep breath, "I can't exactly skip out on my own rehearsal dinner." She jokes to lighten the mood and her mother softly smiles.

Karen places a hand on her back and guides her out the door, towards the main ballroom where all of the guests are seated.

April spots him across the room and her fiancé quickly comes rushing over to her.

He rests a hand on her arm and looks down at her sympathetically, "Are you okay? Is something wrong?"

She just smiles up at him and places a soft kiss on his lips, her right hand resting on his cheek. She pulls away and stares up at him, "I'm fine, I just had a bit of a headache." She tells him, linking her arm through his and he leads her away toward their table. "Is everybody here?"

"Uh.." He stops for a second and glances around the room, "I think we're waiting for one of your sisters, and a few other people."

She sighs, "Okay, I'm gonna go get a drink. Do you want anything?" She asks him nicely and he shakes his head in return.

Matt smiles, "I'm good, thanks." He turns back around to greet of his college friends and pulls the man into a hug.

Walking off toward the bar, she notices Alex sitting by himself, drinking away his troubles with a glass of Scotch in his hand.

"Shouldn't you be making a toast or something?" He teases her, nudging her shoulder.

April turns her attention to her friend, "We're still waiting for a few people." She doesn't feel up to talking about her life so she'll pry into his instead, "Shouldn't you be hanging out with Wilson? Where is she, anyway?"

"Working. Hunt's making all the interns work the night shift."

"Oh, I didn't know. Otherwise, I would have told him. But, she's coming tomorrow, right?" She tries to sound perky, excited for her wedding day. But she forgets who she's speaking to because Alex can see through her like glass.

"Are you even coming tomorrow?" He knows all about her uncertainty, about her feelings that won't go away, mainly because they're towards one of his best friends, "You spoke to him?"

She tries to ignore him, so she orders her drink at the bar and waits patiently, but the look Alex is sending her forces a reply, "No. But you have." She states, positive that the two men have spoken about the topic at hand.

"Yep." He takes another sip of the liquid and briefly sticks his tongue out from the taste, "You want to know what he told me?"

He's never been one to gossip, or to get involved in other people's drama, but he figures the sooner they sort all of their crap out, the sooner everyone can move on.

She stalls for a second and takes a hold of the glass the bartender has set in front of her.

She's not sure she wants to hear it. She doesn't want to know what he has to say. If he couldn't tell her in person how he felt, if he couldn't seek her out to talk about it, then she didn't want to hear it. She was through with wanting anything from him. Or, at least, she told herself she was.

"Nope." She quickly answers, gulping down her Scotch. She slams the glass on the bar and shrugs her shoulders. "You know what? I don't care. I don't care anymore. I gave up on him when he obviously didn't want me back."

Alex frowns, trying to catch her arm as she starts to walk away, "Is that what you think? That he doesn't-"

"Auntie Apwil!" A little voice shouts across the ballroom and the red-head turns away from her friend to see her favourite niece running toward her. She crouches down to her level and engulfs her in a hug.

The five year-old, Amber, lets out a giggle as April tickles her waist and pulls her into a tight squeeze. "Ugh, I've missed you! How are Barbie and Ken?"

"They're mawwied! Like you!" She smiles and wraps her arms her aunt's neck as she picks her up.

"I'm not married yet, tomorrow maybe." She slips out the last word subconsciously, taking in her surroundings to make sure nobody heard her. She notices the book in her niece hand and eyes the cover, _Cinderella_. "Do you like Cinderella?"

"Yep." She opens the cardboard book onto a page and points her finger, "Horsey tuwn into dwiver, micey tuwn into horseys, pumpkin into cawwiage, doggy into.. that wother man."

April smiles down at her, "He opens the door for Cinderella, right? On the carriage?" She's only really watched the Disney movie when she was little, time and time over again.

"Uh huh, but pwince boring."

She rests the small girl on her lap and flicks through the book, "Why is he boring?"

"He's just boring." She frowns, and pulls out another book.

"But he loves her. He loves Cinderella, that's all that matters. So, he can't be boring, can he?"

"Love boring. I want adventuwe." She places the Snow White book on top of Cinderella and browses the pages, "I want Huntsman."

April stares down at the little girl, confused out of her mind. Shouldn't she want the fairytale with the Prince? Shouldn't she want to live happily ever after as every girl does?

"You don't want the Prince? Amber, why don't you want the Prince?"

"I want Huntsman."

There's no hunter in Cinderella, so April peeks down at the Snow White book resting on her lap, "Oh, okay. I get it."

"Huntsman have adventuwe. I want that." She points her finger on the page and stares back up at her aunt, clearly taken by something else.

Maybe she's right. Maybe Prince Charming is only the fairytale we're told before we go to sleep. Maybe reality hands you the Huntsman and you go on an adventure. Maybe that's what she needs. Something adventurous, someone who challenges her.

And, if Matthew is her Prince Charming, she doesn't want to think about who her Huntsman is.

"Why she can't have both?"

"They diffewent."

"Amber, there you are!" Kimmy Kepner-Johnson yells over at her daughter.

April stands up and settles her down on the ground. "I'm sorry, I thought you knew she was with me.."

Kimmy shakes her head and takes her daughter's hand, "No, I didn't-" She leans over and pulls her youngest sister into a hug, "Sorry, hey. How are you? Nervous? Gonna throw up?" She kisses her on the cheek and shrieks, "Ah, it's been so long, and now you're getting married!"

"Yeah, it was kind of... fast."

The eldest Kepner nods and sighs a breath, "You're telling me. I was just talking to you one day and the next, wah, you're engaged! Crazy!" She's always been the loudest, bravest, outspoken sister. "It's funny though, I was a little surprised when I heard who you were marrying."

April creases her forehead and folds her arms over her chest, "What do you mean?"

"I mean.. I always thought you'd end up with that really hot doctor friend of yours." She smirks, "Didn't you two.." She tightens her fist and holds it up against the side of her mouth, her tongue repeatedly pushing her cheeks out as she moves her hand from side to side.

"Oh my God, Kimmy! Shut up!" She covers her mouth and glares at her older sisters who sports a triumphant grin.

"It was him though, right? Your first?"

April sighs and swallows, "Yes, but that's- Done. We're done."

Kimmy nods and stops speaking for a second as she watches over April's shoulder, "Are you sure about that?" She points behind her and the bride-to-be turns around to face her worst nightmare.

"Oh, no."

"Oh, yes, dear sister. If it helps at all, I'd jump his bones tonight before you marry that other dweeb for good." She shrugs and pats April's shoulder before talking her daughter's hand and walking away to leave her sister in a pit of confusion.

She can't help but repeat the only two words that summarize her feelings right now, "Oh, no."

* * *

He finds her stood by an empty table, her hands by her sides and a blank expression on her face as she stares back at him.

She's wearing a short black dress with thin straps and he wonders why he's never seen her in it before because she looks amazing. Her red hair is pulled up in a loose ponytail and he wants to pull it down because he thinks she looks better with her hair down and her red curls cradling her face. She's wearing heels but he figures that she'd still be smaller than him.

Slowly, by his own accord, his makes his way over to her. She crosses her arms as though she has to defend herself and pouts slightly, her eyes wide.

"Hi." He speaks, reaching a hand behind him to scratch the back of his neck.

She copies his action and fidgets her shoulders, "What- What are you doing here?"

Jackson watches her for a minute, admiring the way her face goes from one expression to the other so rapidly, "I'm not here for me. I, uh- My mother. You invited my mother and she had a plus one. Of course, she brought me along and I couldn't exactly say no because then I'd have to explain everything to her and I don't really think you want me to do that the night before your wedding. Do you?" He asks her daringly and she shakes her head anxiously.

"Okay, and.. no. I don't want her to know. It's hard enough like this."

She bites her lip and glances to her left, eyeing her fiancé across the room. Why does this have to be so hard, so complicated? Why couldn't she just have a simple wedding like she'd planned and imagined when she was eleven? Why did she have to be convincing herself to actually go through with this sham of a wedding when she was obviously still in love with someone else? None of it made any sense. None of it was going the way she dreamed of.

None of it was a fairytale.

But, maybe, that was the point.

"April-" He starts, deciding that now would be a good time to speak up and share his feelings.

She cuts him off, ignoring his words, "I should, erm- We need to start the speeches. The- the toasts." She talks to herself, quickly hurrying away from him and rushing over to her soon-to-be mother-in-law.

Jackson just stands still, an empty and slightly pissed off look on his face. She's never going to give him time to apologize, to explain himself. It's been three weeks, he knows, but he's had time to think, time to figure out what to say to her.

But maybe it's not worth it anymore.

"Avery!" He hears Alex call his name from over at the bar and heads in his direction, taking a seat beside him on a stool. "You tell her?"

"No." Jackson looks over to where she's standing with her future husband and in-laws, a clear smile on her face as she wraps her arms around her fiance's torso, "Besides, I don't think I need to anymore."

She seems happy, slightly distant, but happy. And that something's he never could have made her. He can't make her happy because he doesn't believe in the same things that she does, no matter how much he's trying to. He can't make her happy because he doesn't think that they want the same things. He can't make her happy because he doesn't think she feels the same way about him anymore.

The sudden sound of metal tapping against glass catches his attention and he turns towards the old man stood up at the other end of the room.

"Hello, Colonel Sanders." Alex teases, taking another swig of his drink.

The old man, Matthew's father, is sporting a nicely fitting black suit with a red shirt underneath, but his white hair and moustache seem to catch the most attention.

"I would like to say, congratulations. Congratulations to my son, my wonderful Matthew Davis, for meeting this amazing woman. April, we welcome you to our family with open arms and we can't wait to get to know you better."

The guests cheer, beside for the doctors seated not too far from the bar. Two of them stand and head over to the bar, ordering two Vodkas.

Cristina spins around and leans her back against the counter, "Is this a snooze-fest or what?"

Alex holds up his glass, "Now that, I will drink to!" The four of them let out a small laugh and Meredith looks over at Jackson.

"If it helps, they haven't even had sex yet." She informs him, as though it's going to sooth his pain and anguish.

Alex lifts his head, "Dude, seriously?! Kepner's still only done it with you?"

Cristina smirks, "That's like a sign or something." She teases with a goofy grin.

Jackson shakes his head, "You know what? That's great, really. I hope she has a wonderful wedding night with Prince Charming and forgets all about me." He stands up, taking the last sip of his scotch and walks away, heading down a hallway.

He'd told himself that he wasn't going to be bitter because he'd gotten himself into this situation. He'd turned her down because he thought that that was the right thing to do. He'd dumped the intern because he'd realized how stupid he'd been to keep using her for his own selfish reasons. He'd been focusing on his job as a Board Director because it distracted him, it stopped him from thinking about what he'd let go, about who he'd let go.

"What the hell's up with him?" Yang quips, watching the man's retreating back.

Alex shrugs, "He loves her."

"And he's just letting her marry that moron? Come on, Avery, have some balls."

"He's doing what he thinks she needs."

Cristina nudges Meredith and teases, "When did Evil Spawn become such a slop?"

"When Evil Spawn had to suffer through hours of depressing girl talk."

A loud voice speaks up and their turn back around to where April and her _new family_ are sat, "I would just like to say.. April. Apple. Little April,"

"Who's the brunette?"

Meredith recognizes her from a photo and points her out, "That's Kimmy, April's sister."

"Kepner has a sister?" Cristina pipes up.

"Three of them. You should really pay more attention to others."

The other Kepner continues to speak, "Little April, I've got to say, it's been a long road. I mean, you were always the quiet one so we kind of figured that it'd take you awhile to find someone as neurotic as yourself. But , you know, you did. And congrats. But, I gotta say.." April groans, letting her head fall into her hands, already dreading what her sister's going to come out with next, "I always pictured you with someone else."

She smiles down at her sister who's sat across from her, and sends her a naughty wink. Great, April thinks, she's had a few too many to drink.

"You know what I mean.." It's slightly suggestive and April kicks herself for letting her eldest sister make a toast.

Matthew tenses up beside her and removes his arm from around her shoulders, "What is she-"

"He's around here somewhere, I saw him earlier.." She trails off, holding up her microphone and scanning the room for the man in question. She leans over to her sister and frowns, "April, where'd he go?" She whispers. She doesn't receive a reply so she continues on, "You know, he was her first-"

Her leg is suddenly pulled out from under her and she falls down to the ground, smacking the bride lightly on the arm, "What the hell?"

"I'm going to kill you!"

Kimmy sighs and shakes her head as she stands up and brushes herself off, "Look, I'm just doing what you clearly don't have the balls to do."

April stands still, jumping when Matthew places a hand on her shoulder, "Oh."

"I'm sorry, I just- Who did- Who was she talking about?"

She just stands there for a moment, unable to move and fidgets with her fingers.

"Apri-"

"It's no one, really." She fakes her best smile and leans up to gently kiss him on the lips.

He pulls away from her and frowns, "Are you okay?"

She nods eagerly, maybe even a little too much, "I'm gonna go get some fresh air, okay? I'll see you in a little while."

"Do you want me to come with you? It is getting kind of stuffy in here..."

She ponders for a brief instant before shrugging him off politely and nodding her head no, "I'll be fine."

* * *

She'd never noticed how big the building was, mainly because they had only booked the ballroom for the rehearsal.

She slips past a few people in the hallway and heads down a long corridor, brushing by guests on her way. Eventually, she reaches an empty hallway, the surroundings being cardboard boxes and stacks of plates.

Slowly letting herself collapse against the wall, she falls into a fit of sobs, heavy tears trailing down her cheeks.

She just doesn't understand how everything got so messed up.

Obviously, all of this is a sign that she shouldn't get married, that she's making a mistake. But this mistake is her only option.

She doesn't have anybody else.

Nobody else is knocking down her door. Nobody else will want her. Nobody else will love her. He's her best shot. Matthew's her best shot. He's her only shot, she reminds herself, because the only man she truly wants shot her down. And she doesn't even know why.

He didn't tell her why.

"Are you doing okay down there?" An all-too-familiar voice asks and she reminds herself of his presence.

She dares to glance up at his face and, even in the darkly lit hallway, she can still see the perfect green-blue colour of his eyes. She slowly nods once and folds her hands in her lap, "I'm fine."

"No, you're not." Jackson walks closer and slides down the wall beside her, stretching his legs out in front of him. "I know you better than anyone, and you're not fine." He tells her simply, reminding her of their seemingly forgotten friendship.

April takes a deep breath and closes her eyes as she leans her head back against the wall. "Yeah, you're right. I'm not fine." She replies, her tone harsh, "And you know what, I haven't been for weeks."

"April-"

"No." She starts, turning her body toward him, "Just- Just tell me. everything, now. Just tell me everything. I want to hear it. Did you ever- I mean- I never let you finish but- Did you ever want me?" She sounds so desperate, and he just wants to hold her next to him and calm her down, but he can't.

Maybe it's because they haven't had a proper conversation abut something other than work since the storm, since the explosion, since he almost left her, but there's an awkward and stiff tension in the air, and he's not sure how to get rid of it.

"I d-"

"You know what I was thinking that day? I was happy. I was excited." She tells him, ignoring the pained look on his face as she rambles on about the day of her engagement, "I was so freaking happy that someone wanted me. He wanted me. He chose me. He asked me to marry him. Not anybody else, me. And I felt so..."

"Happy?" He finishes for her, an evident hint of annoyance in his voice, "Yeah, you said that already."

"Exactly, I was happy!" She smiles widely, clapping her hands together, "But it didn't last very long. My happiness.. it didn't. Because then a bus crash happened and you nearly died, and I had to worry about you. I had to worry because if something would have happened to you, I don't know what I would have done. And that's not right, is it? I shouldn't worry about you more than myself. I shouldn't worry more about you than the man who asked me to marry him. But I did. And I do. And it's not just because we're friends, it's not. Because friends don't feel like their heart's being ripped out of their chest when they think their _friend_ is dying. Friends just cry, they cry. That's it. But me? I ran toward the freaking bus that blew up, so I must be insane."

Jackson stares at her, watching the way she gets so worked up.

"And I am sorry if I attacked you when you were hurt and I am sorry if I tried to get you to say something that you didn't feel. But when I thought that I lost you? I just wanted to kill myself because I'd never realized that I wanted you. And you may not have ever known that. You wouldn't have known that I wanted you. You wouldn't have known that I loved you."

He catches the way her eyes water, the way her hands shake and her legs quiver as she talks. He thinks she's pretty close to a breakdown so he's gonna speak while he can.

"He's better for you. Than me." He begins, rubbing a hand over the back of his head. "That's it- that's.. He's better for you than I am." He tries his best to not sound upset or saddened, and loosens his tie and throws his head back against the wall. "He's perfect for you, and I'm not so I walked away. I walked away because I care, not because I don't want you."

April flashes her soaked eyes up at him, her chest slowly panting and her lips trembling, "Then why did you make me think that you didn't?"

"Because if you love someone, you set them free. So, I did. I let you go because I don't deserve you and you can be happy with him." He softly smiles at her, as though his reasoning will be enough for her to understand what he did.

"I don't want him. You don't get to decide for me!" She sounds ungrateful and selfish because Matthew's been nothing short of amazing to her but if she has to choose, if she has a choice to make, then he's got to be second place. "I want you, but you already know what. And, if you still want me.." She starts, moving closer to him, and resting her hands on top of his own resting on his lap. "Then I have a wedding to call off."

Jackson leans his forehead against hers and rests his hands on her knee, "I don't want you making a mistake. You need to know if you're sure about this."

She throws a leg over his lap and straddles his waist, her knees hard on the ground, her hands resting against his chest. She traces her hands up his chest to his, "You're the only thing I've ever been sure of." She stares into his eyes, as if to tell him that she's sure, that she knows what she wants. "Me and you, right?"

It takes him a second, but he cradles the sides of her face between his hands pulls her closer, "I love you."

She smiles and leans forward, pressing her lips roughly against his. His hands travel from her knees to her thighs and slowly creep under the edge of her dress and she undoes the first button of his shirt before stopping him and pulling away lightly, "I think I have to go cancel my wedding."

He laughs against her lips and runs a hand through her hair, "I think your sister might be happy."

"You heard that?"

"Yeah." He stands up, and holds out a hand for her to take which she gladly accepts, "I also saw her little hand gesture."

April's eyes suddenly widen and she stops, "You saw that.."

He nods with a grin, "Oh, yeah. It was pretty visual." He jokes and she smacks his chest with her hand.

"Shut up, or I am never doing that again."

He holds his hands up innocently as they walk out together.


End file.
